Disillusionment is a Sign of Misplaced Trust

Earlier this year, I found myself disillusioned, and only had myself to blame. At the same time, though I knew that rejoicing in Jesus Christ is always possible, always desirable, and always justifiable, I had a hard time really experiencing that joy like I generally do. In the front of our church sanctuary, there were banners that had Philippians 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! on them, and I would ponder, "Am I experiencing joy? How do I rejoice always? How can God expect that from me even now?" Usually my faith is a supernatural high for me, but for that season, the high was nowhere. Joy was something I had to reach hard for. I don't think my struggle was at all unique to humanity, though it was unusually dark for me. Life is full of things that can drag us down, and of course the enemy is always aiming to do anything that will pull us down and keep us at our worst. In spite of this, we need to remember that our hope, our joy, and our strength is not in the things of this earth. Sometimes it is too easy to forget; it would be easy to suppose our hope, or our joy, or our strength might be in people, or money, or circumstances. We might think it's in acclaim, or other forms of human successes, or in merely being treated generally well. In all those cases, we would be wrong. God wants us to rejoice, no matter what our circumstances, our disappointments, our sadnesses. We are to be joyful in the midst of it, in spite of it. How can we do that? It's because all of what we rejoice in should not be here on earth, but we can rely on the promises of heaven that are so beyond our understanding and especially our deserving. They stand firm, they are sealed away for us. No human being can come between us and what Jesus has done for us. Our sadnesses and sorrows have nothing to do with any fault in the promises and truths of God; they are in a separate category, untouchably holy and perfect; His truths and promises are ever-reliable. We should rejoice and exult in the goodness of God; focusing on that instead can help to draw us out and away from present circumstances, and we can glorify Him even in the processing of our pain.
I don't often find these lows, but this year has been full of them. Though I've oftentimes been disappointed by people, usually that disappointment was from people in whom I never really had put too much trust, and so it didn't bother me so much. I think my problem this year was in trusting a human being too strongly, which God warns us against doing.
We could think that people who don't trust other people are cynical. I don't think this is true; I think when we don't trust people, and we do place all of our trust in God, we are walking in obedience. We tend to want to trust people because they are here where we can see them; we feel that we know them because they are so physically present to us. The Scriptures clearly and repeatedly tell us not to trust people, though, and I feel that God has been pounding that into my head just lately. There is actually more kindness in not putting our trust in a person; when a human being lets you down, it is just because it's the way our flesh is made; trusting in humanity puts too much responsibility and pressure on a person, and no human is infallible. The Scriptures say,
Psalm 40:4 How blessed is the man who has made the LORD his trust, And has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Psalm 116:11 I said in my alarm, "All men are liars."
Psalm 118:8-9 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.
Psalm 146:3 Do not trust in princes, in mortal man, in whom there is no salvation.
Proverbs 29:25 The fear of man brings a snare, But he who trusts in the LORD will be exalted.
Jeremiah 17:5 Thus says the LORD, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind And makes flesh his strength, And whose heart turns away from the LORD."
Actually in the writing of this, I was looking only for two verses I've quoted here, but found the others I listed, and included them because they too emphasized the need to trust in God and not man. So it isn't just a couple of verses; God reminds us again and again to trust only in Him. Jesus didn't trust mankind, either, as He walked the earth; and He made us!
John 2:23-25 Now when He was in Jerusalem at the Passover, during the feast, many believed in His name, observing His signs which He was doing. But Jesus, on His part, was not entrusting Himself to them, for He knew all men, and because He did not need anyone to testify concerning man, for He Himself knew what was in man.
I know that I am not reliable. I would not want someone putting their trust in me to the point that I could ever disillusion them or cause them to stumble in their faith. While we are very fallible and weak, God never fails us.
2 Timothy 2:13 If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.
Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
1 Peter 1:24-25 For, "All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field; the grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever." And this is the word that was preached to you.
Another thing that I learned in the midst of these struggles was just how loving and gracious God was to illuminate the Scriptures all the more brightly when I was feeling the greatest darkness. I know that a random reading of the Bible is not generally the best way to really plumb the depths of God's goodness, but oftentimes I needed to just open my Book and see what God's seemingly random message was for me that day. Once at 2 a.m., unable to sleep, I came downstairs and opened the Psalms with fumbling fingers and bleary eyes--turned at "random" to Psalm 4, and I knew in reading it that God's hand was there for my assurance. The message of that Psalm, in my own paraphrase, is, "I have everything under control. Now go to bed, rest your mind, and sleep. Trust Me." It wasn't because I was so very continual in my reading, or praying, or obeying...not that I was very neglectful either, but I definitely wasn't excelling. God just knew my frame, and my need, and always, stunningly, had the right Psalm for me, always had the right consolation, the right perspective readily available. He didn't have me turning to anything of judgment or correction or condemnation, though I know there are passages that could easily have seemed to express those things to me. It wasn't because I was so good, or right, or at all perfect. It was in spite of my frailties and because of His goodness; it certainly wasn't because I didn't have plenty of areas that need correction; it was because of His supernatural Word that performs His will so perfectly, and because there are times when He stands close to comfort His own, and to be the very Heavenly Father when we need Him the most.
So the key is to love and not trust others; follow others as they follow Christ; turn from following their path when they don't follow Him, and speak up to them when they stray from the path. It isn't to be cynical, but just to remember Who it is who can be trusted, who we all are who can't be trusted, and to love people, remembering the frail humanity that we all are. I think trusting rightly in the Heavenly Father, who loves all of us in spite of our frailty, brings that joy that was so hard for me to grasp for that season.
New American Standard Bible (NASB)Copyright © 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation.

Exactly What Must I DO to be Saved?

Last Sunday our pastor was sharing various details about their recent trip to Russia. Before the team left here, the church women assembled a large number of bracelets that in the order and color of the beads illustrated the Bridge Illustration, sort of like the Wordless Book idea--that is, if you know neither of these, two similar methods of describing the gospel. The Wordless Book is a book of just colored pages, with each color of which you can sing a little song (words in parentheses): black (My heart was black with sin), red (until the Savior came in. His precious blood, I know), white (has washed me white as snow!), gold or yellow (And in His Word I'm told I'll walk the streets of gold), and green (I'll read my Bible and pray, and grow in Him every day!). Anyway, they shared the bracelets and a little piece of paper explaining the colors of the beads and how they pertain to salvation in Christ; overall it sounded like the bracelets were very well received.
Our pastor told us about how the pastor from the other church shared the bracelets and papers with two Russian Orthodox women who thought the papers were wrong in their description of salvation, that it couldn't be just by grace rather than by a sacrificial gift to the church. Then one of the Russian women who worked alongside our team gave a bracelet and paper to her Russian Orthodox mother. The mother was amazed to discover that Protestant Christians believed the same thing about salvation as she did! It just goes to show, you don't know, just by the label a person has been given, who believes exactly what.
It also made me think, that little piece of paper covered all the basic essential truths of salvation, that we are sinful; that Jesus died on the cross to wash away our sins; that when He washes them because we accept His gift of salvation through prayer, then we are clean; that because He has done this, we can go to heaven; and that believers should read the Bible and pray and grow in our understanding and obedience to His truth. Pretty simple! And how much we so often add to that! It seems that we all struggle with the idea that it can't all be by God's grace, that we have to do something, be something, perform in some particular way in addition to what the salvation verses say.
I remember when I was a director of an Awana Chums group, 3rd and 4th grade girls, we were talking about reading our Bibles and praying. Just as a spur-of-the-moment thought, I asked the girls, "What would happen if a day went by and you didn't read the Bible or pray?" The resultant looks of dismay, of horror, that came across the faces of a few of the girls caught me completely by surprise--but it was clear that there were some there who thought it would result in serious trouble that they didn't even want to think about. I wasn't exactly sure, so quickly, how to handle their extreme reactions. I am pretty sure they thought their salvation would be in question. I told them that Jesus wants our continued relationship with Him, He doesn't want us to neglect His word, but that He is gracious and forgiving and it wouldn't be an extremely desperate matter--but that we should stay in the habit of reading and praying. I can't imagine how few Christians there might be on the planet who think their salvation is secure if it depended on our faithfulness rather than that of Christ!
It isn't just little girls who think we have to add stuff, works, perfection of our own to what Christ has done. There are churches that teach that if you don't speak in tongues, you're not saved; that if you do speak in tongues, you're not saved; that you have to give an exact tenth of your income as offering, that you have to attend church on Saturday, that you have to attend on Sunday, that you have to read the King James Version of the Bible, that you have to confess through a priest at church for forgiveness of sins. There are people that think that Christian women can't wear pants rather than skirts, that they can't wear makeup, that they wouldn't go to church without something on their head, that Christian girls wouldn't go to college, that women can't work outside the home, that you can't play cards, that you can't dance...with some thought I may be able to come up with some more. Now some of these may have practical application in some families, but I'd like someone to show me where in the Bible it says that they're a matter of salvation.
I agree, in reference to the matter of tongues and similar issues, that it's important for each believer to prayerfully determine what the Holy Spirit would have them believe; it's important to study the Bible and submit your faith to the whole counsel of Scripture rather than what any church or denomination or person would have us believe. "But examine everything carefully; hold fast to that which is good." 1 Thessalonians 5:21. But don't add anything to the basics of salvation; it's a strong human tendency to think that we have to do something to earn it.
In Galatians, Paul said, "I am amazed that you are so quickly deserting Him who called you by the grace of Christ, for a different gospel; which is really not another; only there are some who are disturbing you and want to distort the gospel of Christ. But even if we, or an angel from heaven, should preach to you a gospel contrary to what we have preached to you, he is to be accursed! As we have said before, so I say again now, if any man is preaching to you a gospel contrary to what you received, he is to be accursed!" Paul didn't want the Galatians believing that they had to be circumcised in order to validate their salvation. Even in Bible times, adding human works to salvation, thereby changing the gospel, was a human compulsion which Paul and his co-workers continually fought. If a person believes something other than the biblical model of salvation in order to get to heaven, he could conceivably lose out on salvation entirely, so it's vital that we express it correctly--no more, and no less. Otherwise, if it didn't matter, Paul would not have fought this misunderstanding with such passion as he did.
Ephesians 2:8-9: "For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast."

The American Christian Homeschooler and a Sense of Entitlement

Recently I blogged about how all cultures have their good and bad aspects. It was hardly an excellent piece; it was only a set of observations, rather rambly. I was thinking them up as I was writing; they hadn't consumed me and caused me to ponder long and research anything. So I was surprised when that article, of the many that I have written, became linked to a homeschooling website. My article only very briefly stated that one of the things that I don't like about other cultures is the control some exercise over parenting, that homeschooling for example is illegal in many places, but legal in every state here.
The determining factor that caused someone to link my blog entry to their website seems to be that very statement about the legality of homeschooling here. So I explored various links on their blog. The latest buzz on their blog is about the California issue where homeschooling is now under threat by their state judicial system. I had read a little about it, and at first thought it would blow over quickly. Now I am wondering whether it will be more of a lasting impact not only in California, but possibly throughout the whole country.
With the elections coming into swing, and the candidates from which we have to choose, my doubts about the future of homeschooling have been increasing. I am thankful for the many years that we have been allowed to do so; it has been a privilege, a wonderful window of opportunity for our family and a saving grace for many children across the country. Not only that, but I believe that it has been a boost for the less-than-ideal national resource of the intellect of our youth as a whole, and for the foundation of faith in Christian families across the country. For all I know, freedom to homeschool could still continue for many years, but I would be surprised if it won't be under strong attack.
The issue that struck me most vividly at the website that linked me was the abundant passionate commentary following an article they linked, these comments mostly by homeschoolers and also by a few who opposed them. My thought in reading them wasn't primarily about homeschooling at all, but about the sense of entitlement we develop by living in a country that provides far more than the average amount of freedoms. We seem to think that we are entitled to these freedoms--and a person could argue that we are entitled to them, by virtue of living in a country based on freedom, but the freedom to homeschool has been a recent arrival following the establishment of government schools. This entitlement, though, or any true freedom on earth, ought to be viewed as a temporary and unnatural blessing from our benevolent God, rather than from government. The Jews at the time of Christ were under oppression by the Romans, and the history of humanity has hardly been characterized by entitlement and freedom. I view freedom far more as a blessing that God chooses to bestow on a people for whatever sovereign purpose He might deem fit for that time; nevertheless, it is generally rare and fleeting that He might choose to provide such freedoms as we have had in the United States for these hundreds of years. What country on earth has enjoyed such freedom for such a long time as ours has, and such abundance and blessing? God has been good to us, but He is not required to continue in the same way.
What I found stunning were the indignant attitudes that were exhibited in these comments, many by people who professed faith, following the article I read! It troubled me to read the comments of those who would passionately defend the right to homeschool as an entitlement. A person could assume that many homeschoolers would be some of the most passionate people of faith, but many, though they refer to their faith, fail to exhibit Christ in their comments. So many instead exhibited their own wants, demands and fears driving them, with a combative and critical spirit, bragging about their own accomplishments. They ignored the fact that not too many years ago, homeschooling was illegal in every state. I realize our country was established for the sake of freedom, but it also is a country where even the freedom it stands for has in many ways been imperfectly realized; consider slavery and how long that lasted! We live in a country that was established in the name of freedom, but such a country is established on a very delicate principle. President John Adams stated such:

"We have no government armed with power capable of contending with human passions unbridled by morality and religion. Avarice, ambition, revenge, or gallantry, would break the strongest cords of our Constitution as a whale goes through a net. Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate for the governing of any other."
October 11, 1798 in President John Adams' address to the military, from America's God and Country, Encyclopedia of Quotations, by William J. Federer, pp. 10-11.

We have reached a point in our culture where we have to question the reality of whether the Constitution is truly adequate to govern our present society. Is it? Or will our freedoms disintegrate and by necessity be replaced by stronger cords of government, where freedom is hardly the aim, in order to govern a people who for the most part will not govern themselves? The removal of faith from public education, from the media, from government, from the public square removed the underpinnings that secure our freedoms. It is really more awesome that we have had the freedom to homeschool than it is shocking that this freedom should be under attack.
I look back to Daniel, and how in Babylon they did all they could to adapt him to their culture, to intimidate him from exercising faith...and still he was faithful. We need to pray that our children can and will be found faithful even if they should be forced into a Babylon-type culture. No biblical account promises and guarantees that we will have earthly freedoms, or that the culture will accommodate our faith, or that the government will allow us to parent as we see fit. The same Bible we read has applied to families under every type of government and every flag in the world. The only thing that no government can really force us to relinquish is our faith, our ability to petition the God of heaven to help us in our time of need. Maybe it is His will that our children be tested as Daniel was! Perhaps we should be glad of it, that our children be tested, that they would have to decide where they stand. Maybe staying comfortable at home in a sheltered environment will make them complacent. God is sovereign and ultimately wise, and we must entrust our children entirely to His care. He knows what is best for our good and for His glory. Don't get me wrong. I hope that we will retain the freedom to homeschool, but if not, we need to trust the God of heaven who controls governing authorities, and in any case, we need to pray for our children and those authorities.

The Hollow Ring of Self-Esteem

"Good job!" is a phrase we teasingly, mockingly throw around our house, most often provoked by those things that are specifically questionable! It is thanks to the well-meaning team mother of Tim's baseball team a couple of years ago, who lavished this praise on every undeserving team player who might have been daydreaming, unskilled, or just had an off moment. A player would come off the field after striking out pitifully, maybe hardly even trying to hit the ball, maybe thinking more about the snacks after practice than about the task at hand. While I might be ready to console him with something like, "Maybe you'll do better next time," I couldn't blurt it before I'd hear, "Good job!" Startled, I'd look around to see who it was that she had addressed. What? What did she see that I didn't?
She was the benevolent bestower of self-esteem, and her intent was that no child should spend a second feeling the pain of doubt or inadequacy or failure. She thought she was doing them a favor, that pain was always bad and comfort was always good. If she was helping them do anything, she was helping them stay where they were, to stagnate, to remain in their inadequacy and never be dissatisfied with their present state so that they might pursue improvement.
That dissatisfaction with self is a good thing, not an evil; it gives a person a desire to improve; it's a motivator, painful though it may be. Disguising inadequacy is no favor, yet it's the trend of recent years to help children have self-esteem that is in no way earned nor deserved. A parent who gives a child false assurance is doing him harm rather than a favor, and a parent who withholds it is doing him good.
Today at the grocery store, Tim was looking at some huge chocolate rabbits, amazed at their size. I assure you, he never received one so large, though he has probably received them that were as heavy. Those he was looking at, though, soon earned his disgust: "They're hollow!" He suddenly lost interest and turned away. Better to know the reality of one's own lack and need, rather than trust in something that is not solid but hollow. Given false assurance of how adequate one is in childhood, a person will only hit confusion and failure, something like finding that huge empty bubble inside a chocolate rabbit, when in real adult life where no one cares about his self-esteem so much as his performance and substance.
My growing up years were marked by inadequacy (my ignorant version of awareness of my sin), and that inadequacy, that gnawing emptiness, did me a great benefit: It pointed to my need for Christ, for a Savior. Praise God that no one was telling me I was good enough! I wasn't. No one is good enough apart from Christ; everyone needs to know the truth of their own lack and their own sin, and at the same time, trust in Christ's sufficiency and grace, His forgiveness, His great sacrifice that will bring wholeness and healing to every person who will just trust in Him.
See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deception, according to the tradition of men, according to the elementary principles of the world, rather than according to Christ. Colossians 2:8

We're all a Mess...

We're all a mess. I'm beginning to conclude, we're all a mess. Wonder of wonders--I knew it, but am knowing it more. Of course, we're all sinners in need of a Savior. We're all very little people trying to grasp hold of a very big Truth, and none of us have a perfect handle on it. Luther, that hallmark of the Reformation, had his flaws, his odd character traits. Yet people accept his stand for truth, and brush his flaws aside. As I blogged earlier, Bonhoeffer had his flaws, his inconsistencies, but he's promoted because of what he had right. There are some who are approved, and some who are not, and where the dividing line lies depends on the individual. I've been working on a reading list, but all the writers are of course flawed. What determines where the line of acceptability is? How do we know whether to accept the teachings of an individual or not? How do we accept the good and throw out the bad teachings, or do we instead not take on any of them?
The one source we can turn to without hesitation is the Bible. That is The One Gold Standard of Truth, and the only thing that can mess it up is our reading of it, how we take it in--or not reading of it so we can't take it in at all. We need to make a habit of testing all influences around us, knowing that we are all sinners, all the other books we are reading are flawed, all speakers, all the influences that flood our culture. A person could take extremes to perfect the information that he receives, in eschewing writings other than the Bible; or he can receive them, praying for the Holy Spirit's help in discernment of what is to be accepted and what is not. Depending on the Holy Spirit, all writings are acceptable for screening; all writings can be evaluated with His help, and the learning, the discipleship, the iron-sharpening-iron that we will receive may be broader than if we consider too many categories suspect.
Psalm 146 tells us not to trust in man, not to trust in princes...no writing, no source other than the Scriptures is fully reliable. We test everything against God's Word, and we are helped. One major test the Bible gives us in evaluating teachers is to watch how a person's grasp of truth is lived out in their lives. Is there an effort to live according to Christ? Has the person gladly made sacrifices along the way? Is that person teachable, humble, and honest? By their fruits we will know them, the Bible tells us, and I have found that it is a good qualifier. I praise God that just because they have their flaws, we aren't forbidden all these resources, all the learning and thinking and writing of men who have gone before; we have His help to pick and choose, and can then do so in confidence and eager expectation.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer was, Alas, Frail Too

Wouldn't you know it--right on the heels of my including a quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer in a blog post, I find that there's a blog article by Mitch Lewis, Bonhoeffer, Pacifism and Assassination, featured on Gospelcom.net describing his part in conspiring to kill Hitler. Now I realize that Hitler (like the rest of us but more perceptibly) deserved death, but Bonhoeffer's own writings show that he understood much better than I the importance of turning the other cheek in the extreme, against all odds. It shows the inconsistency and unreliability of man, that he can be famous, known for solid theology, and still live in a manner that opposes it. I know that, alas, many instances in my own life fall short of even my own limited understanding of God's truth.
It underscores the importance that we never put our trust in man...that doesn't mean to be mistrusting of those who by their actions you would deem trustworthy in a human sense; it doesn't mean that you have to go through life constantly, cynically expecting disillusionment from those close to you or in high positions, but it does mean that you don't hang your salvation, your soul, on any human being, and if or when they fall, you avoid following them into the pit. It does mean that you need to stand ready to rebuke, exhort, equip; to strengthen the joints that fail--you need to watch and help those who are weak as much as it depends on you. If they shove you away, that's one thing, but if they turn from their fall, you may save a soul from death.

On the Edge of the Fires in California

A week ago I wouldn't have imagined what topics would be coming to mind today. One of the foremost things on my mind in recent days has been the matter of the huge fires in southern California. It's on my mind in large part because Katie is going to school close enough to them that she has gone inside to find ash in her hair; her dorm is permeated with the smell of smoke; and she can see the glow of the fires on the horizon. Whenever I've talked with her she has sounded calm though very aware of the effect it has on hundreds of thousands not very far away. At one point on the phone she was at some viewpoint where she could see the areas that had been burned, and some huge explosion on the horizon that she said must have been an oil refinery. One of her professors and at least six families in the church she's been attending have been evacuated from their homes. That's something that I'd have to experience to fully relate to it. Katie's RA, Jenn, has lost a home to the California fires four years ago exactly, and so this repeat is particularly painful for her.
It's a surreal existence for Katie, living on the edge of lives that have been so marked by it while hers remains somewhat unaffected, still carrying responsibility for classes, homework and all. Her bags are packed in case she needs to leave; she says it would almost be a relief to have to take action one way or another rather than live on the edge of it, going on as before but having the awful reminders of smoke and ash always swirling through her life.
God has provided peace for her, a calm knowledge of His provision. Her sweet friend Haley and she would drive to Haley's grandmother's house an hour away if they had to leave. How great is that, that she already has a backup plan that would be hospitable and even enjoyable--what an incredible luxury of peace and provision!
I talked with my mother yesterday, who doesn't view God in the same way as I do. She called to ask whether Katie was safe at school. After reassuring her that it seemed she was safe, I said at one point that God is good...and she replied, "Yes, but He isn't so good if you're in the middle of a fire." At which point I was able to say that indeed He is. He is! Even in the middle of a searing fire, God is good. I know that if she read the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, she just wouldn't believe it. But it comforts me, sort of like Haley's grandmother's presence, but so much better; in spite of it being so much worse from our end, God's hope is in reality a surer and more lasting provision than Grandma's house. Even if the worst from our perspective were to happen (and of course I pray that it doesn't), our loving God would be right there with Katie and Haley in the midst of it--and He would even then, or especially then, be good, and holy, and loving--and even now they are assured, through faith in Christ, that they have the safest, most hospitable and enjoyable future with Him in the extreme, whether now or years away. That knowledge is peace that surpasses understanding.
Isaiah 43:1-3a.

Protection can be a Judgment Call

Today's sermon brought our pastor to mention that we as parents have to be willing at times to not over-protect our children. One of the parents later asked the pastor to what that looked like. The pastor asked people to share what they do in terms of that, and I had a few things to share regarding our own children. While I will not apologize for raising my children in a more protective environment than most parents I know, because I feel that for them it has been more beneficial and suitable, there are circumstances and times that seem God-given to expose them to the world's ways and allow them to impact the world if they might, or be impacted for the sake of learning and prayer and discussion at home.
It's strange how at our previous church we were considered over-protective, whereas at this church I suppose we may seem less-protective, maybe even the most liberal family in the church in the things we have allowed Katie to experience. I'm not sure which position makes me most uncomfortable! Still, we don't live to please people at any church but to please God. He is the One who has given us all these opportunities and He is the One who entrusted these children to us and to Whom we entrust them in return.
I know though that while they were little, I would not have been able to foresee us allowing Katie to take part in so many of the opportunities that have molded her life thus far. There are a number of them that would have frightened me a great deal if they had come her way before we were ready, before she was old enough, and I'm sure I would have said that I would "never allow" any number of them.
First of all, with Katie, the youngest exposure I can remember for her to a fairly large variety of unsaved people (other than relatives) was enrolling her in a secular co-op preschool. I was new to Christ, and I don't remember expecting it to be inappropriate or risky, though it was sometimes offensive. I had an advantage in that I was there with her. We did end up sometimes running into conflict with the other mothers. I remember one boy wanting to hit another, and when I would restrain him, one of the mothers was indignant that I was inhibiting his self-expression. For the most part, though, I think it was a positive experience and I remember having some interesting discussions with other moms, such as regarding where Adam and Eve's boys got their wives.
Also of course, we've always had issues regarding exposure to unsaved relatives. Interestingly, most of them severely curtailed social interaction with us when salvation entered our household, so that exposure was limited to say the least (for which I am somewhat grateful, to tell the truth). Nevertheless, Katie's concern for her unsaved grandfather was highly instrumental in his coming to Christ a week before he died--and he had been a pastor of six churches in his life. He's the only relative who has come to Christ yet. She was only about 12 when he died.
Katie didn't play with many unsaved children; being homeschooled made that easy, and living in a strange old neighborhood where substance abuse and witchcraft abounded, made that vitally important.
We allowed Katie to go to the Snow Retreat into the Cascades and on College Preview Weekends down to the Master's College in Santa Clarita, California. I remember one very protective mother asking whether the girls' dorms were separate from the boys' dorms at the Snow Retreat. That was of course a given--and her daughter was probably the most trustworthy one in the group to send on such an outing. The consideration I recall coming to mind is, "Do you trust God with your child?" and then, "Do you trust your child?" and then, "Do you trust the leaders of the church with whom your child is going?" Perhaps you don't trust the boys, at least not the whole group--but I've been to one of those retreats, and there's really hardly any chance anything would happen, especially when the interest would be one-sided. Katie also was in the realm of the trustworthy. There really were no boys in the entire group whom she found even slightly interesting in any romantic sense, and in response they found her quite boring in that regard as well.
When Katie was 16 she had the opportunity to be a Senate Page. She stayed down in Olympia at Senate Page housing that was made available. I had signed her up to be in a house with all girls, but she got reassigned to a house with some girls and some boys. We assumed that she would be amongst a good amount of conservatives, if not Christians, but it was not the case...the vast majority were liberal kids with very unholy ways of living. I was a bit alarmed at her house assignment, but we prayed about it, and it turned out to be a good and safe exposure for Katie to what she would have experienced in public school, and what the world she was going to meet in adulthood would be like.
When Katie's cousin Kristin (who is about 8 years older than Katie) was 16, she went over to Germany for a year to stay with a family that her family did not know. I remember saying, "Can you imagine? I cannot imagine sending my daughter all the way to Germany at age 16." (I do believe I said "to stay with a family we've never met." Still...) When Katie was 16, what do you think happened? The youth ministry was planning a three-week missions trip to Germany. At least we had met the family she would be staying with, and they had a strong Christian testimony. We signed her up to go with a team of leaders and--this sounds shocking but really wasn't, for the same reasons as described regarding the snow retreat, above--five teen boys. She was 16, and she was going to Germany to distribute invitations to the Bibelgemeinde there, a small Christian church in Berlin. It was a great experience. Something happened to her world view, her picture of the global Church, and she changed from being something of a theoretical Christian to one who had experienced a big picture of it, and her understanding was more clearly defined. She seemed more real after that. If we had decided not to let her go, it would have left an integral part of her learning and spiritual growth unfinished. We couldn't have taught her at home what she learned and experienced on that trip.
She has since worked at Safeway, at Let's Dish (a "Dinners Ready" kind of place), at Lavender Hills Farm, and at Red Robin, and attended Everett Community College--many of these environments are replete with non-Christians who at the very least gossip and backbite and compete, and at the worst have foul mouths and speak of their foul lives with no shame. And a great many of them rarely see a Christian and know very little about Christianity in general or Christ in specific. Katie had many opportunities to share various aspects of her faith; if not intentionally then unintentionally. Without asking, they knew that she would not be interested in their nightly drinking parties, and one was very amused and went on at great length about it when she thought Katie had used a swear word--only to find out that she hadn't. In her speech class, Katie gave one speech on the Resurrection, and another speech (she had two minutes from being given the topic for preparation, and another two minutes for the speech) on her stand regarding premarital sex. Wow. She asked if she could use an outside source, and when the professor said, "If you can find one in 2 minutes," she pulled out her Bible. Her speeches were well-received, though it seemed they didn't convince anyone.
Tim is another, different consideration. We now live in a mostly unsaved and amoral but comparatively safe neighborhood of unsupervised and unkind children. I know this sounds contradictory, but it describes it to an extent. I feel safe allowing Tim to go out and play as long as he doesn't go into anyone's garage or house or back yard, or the park that we can't see from our house. He has told the Hindu and Sikh girls about Jesus, and they now consider him racist because he has the gall to consider Christ better than their many gods. If they were to consider the whole story, they would have to recall that when no one else in the neighborhood would come to their birthday parties or invite them out to birthday parties, Tim would. There were many ways that we tried to help their families out and participate with them, but they have turned on him. Now it's not much fun for him to go out there, so he stays home or plays with friends from church, when we can drive him there or bring them here. When it was possible, he's taken opportunities to be kind when mistreated, and the kids are aware also that he doesn't swear, as they do.
I am excited to recall the opportunities that Katie had to see and experience things, to be a witness, to become girded in her faith for the future as the time unfolded. Now Tim is reaching an age where that will be my anticipation as well. There may be times where we protect him more or less than we did Katie, depending on prayer impact, his character, the circumstances and the timing. I am eager to see what God provides in his life.

Changes--Passing our daughter along to the Master's care

For the last few weeks (and longer, at a less-frenzied pace), we have been preparing in our family for the upcoming sending-Katie-off-to-college. I think that I have been so busy with that and preoccupied with other things that I haven't really had the opportunity (perhaps I haven't allowed it too strongly) to really ponder the long-term ramifications of doing so. I have been able to consider it happily enough. I don't think I've been as teary-eyed about it as I would have expected, or as other mothers I know are. But I'm not sure whether it's because I'm in denial or because I have been working toward this goal in an inward way for such a long time. I know these mothers trust the same God and Savior that I do, so that's not the difference.
I see Katie receiving all sorts of wonderfully worded sentiments from friends, some even younger than she is (such as her friend Haley). Not being an extremely sentimental sort (well, at least, I'm inconsistently sentimental), I am envious that they were able to express themselves so beautifully and profoundly to her, while I don't do so much of that sort. Why so inadequate in these ways, I don't know. What kind of mother am I, I wonder.
I know I will miss her. Our family will hardly be the same. Katie and I discuss things between us in such a way that we don't with anyone else. That will be the worst part for me. She also accommodates my forgetfulness and stupidity about daily details so that things don't get overlooked, and I know my stupidity will show much more once she's gone. Sigh. She also influences our family for good, in how we eat and exercise (always wanting more success in that arena!).
Yet I am delighting in sending her along, because from the time she was little I have been pouring the ability to learn into her being, and she has learned to love learning. That is better than the pouring in of facts, and I haven't yet succeeded with Tim in this endeavor. Katie was a willing and curious learner all along, and easily directed. It will be exciting to see that more fully developed and utilized in the college environment.
I'm going to miss the comraderie we have between us. We have spent much time together, and know so many little things about each other that others don't; often we come up with the same thought at the same time, the same silly answer to a remark, the same concern over one absent at the same time. It's not just a little scary to think that with homeschooling, perhaps I have influenced her in such a way that she has become a younger version of me. May God be gracious to her in this regard, and may she develop more of her own way, more of her own interests and friends. I am eager considering this to see where He takes her and how much more of her beauty and interest will shine through in a way that had not yet been developed--sort of like a rough stone gone through a tumbler.
I'm also aware that we will still be able to communicate--daily if needed--by way of e-mail, telephone, internet webcam--and that in an emergency I could fly down or she could fly home. Not being one to worry much, and knowing that she goes to a protected environment, I don't lose sleep over it. God is great, and because of His great love for her and capacity to protect her better than I can, there's no hesitation. I know that she faces no greater danger at college than at home.
Still, when we drop her off, I'm bringing kleenex. We have six new boxes of it ready at home.

Any Wonder that With Age Comes Cynicism?

Yesterday I bought some Gushers for Tim. In case you don't know, these are basically nutritionally worthless little candies disguised as good-for-you lunch snacks. I bought them because they were cheap and he always asks for them (I don't think he's ever had any before)--I figured they could work as incentives. It reminded Katie that when she was little, some other kids and she were discussing whether they were any good. The ads at the time had them all convinced that if you ate Gushers, you would turn inside out. Somehow this appealed to the kids. Kieth, the squirrelly kid who cut his hair the morning of picture day, had tried them. Emily asked him whether they worked--had he turned inside out? No, came the disappointed answer. This was an important lesson for them all in the deceptive nature of advertising.
It reminded me of when I watched Captain Kangaroo. (In case you don't know this, he hasn't been on the air since I was a kid.) Well, Captain Kangaroo had a lot of credibility with me. Why, I'm not sure. Maybe it was the fact that he could talk to rabbit and moose puppets and keep a straight face. I trusted him. Until one fateful day when he said that a certain brand of hot dogs were really good. I ran in and told my mom that Captain Kangaroo recommended them and she should buy them. "Don't you know that he's paid to say that?" she answered. Paid? I was aghast. From then on I watched with a less gullible attitude.
In another way it reminds me of the mysterious case of the spinach. My mom would serve canned spinach (perhaps she didn't know that it was much lovelier fresh). A dark, mossy green blob would sit on my plate, cold and hated. She would give me a spoonful of Miracle Whip to make it more appealing. The name was a misnomer--no miracle occurred...that is, until my father spoke. "Spinach puts hair on your chest!" he said, and suddenly the pile had value. Daddy had hair on his chest, and I wanted to be just like him. As a little girl, I didn't know I ought to be more selective in the traits I sought. Years later I realized how he must have been chuckling to himself as he saw me force the stuff down my throat.